Let's Talk About Mom Guilt

Written by Eden

Mum guilt is a real thing. It’s an inevitable part of motherhood and its relentless grip usually finds its way into all aspects of life and can leave us parents feeling deflated or anxious.

Before having a child, no one warned me about the dreaded feeling of mum guilt. For example, I was so excited to cuddle up with my daughter and watch cartoons with her until I read that offering your child screen time practically makes you the worst mother ever (never read online parent forums) as it’s detrimental to your child’s development. 

…But it’s the only thing that truly distracts my daughter if I need half an hour to cook dinner, reply to work emails or just have a break because I’m exhausted. Plus, she loves cartoons and often learns new words or movements from them. Knowing this, I still feel guilty when allowing her screen time. 

Another personal example is returning to work. I never thought that I’d feel guilty about returning to work after almost two years of maternity leave – but I do. I have intense guilt about putting my daughter into nursery five days per week, I feel guilty that I won’t be there for her as much as she’d like and I feel guilty that I’m taking a step forward in my personal life and detaching from motherhood a little. Being a good mum and having a close relationship with my daughter is so cardinal to me and for whatever reason, I feel like returning to work is going to affect that, even though it should surely be deemed as a positive step forward? 

Is it the expectations of society that makes us feel so guilty? Is it the added pressure of social media and the ‘perfect mum’ image? Or is it a natural and normal feeling caused by hormones and chemicals inside of our brain? 

Whatever it is, it sucks. 

What is mum guilt?

Simply put, mum guilt is a pervasive feeling of not doing enough as a parent, making decisions that may “mess up” your kids in the future or just not doing things right. It’s often a temporary feeling that comes and goes, although for some it occurs often, causing them anxiety and feelings of self-doubt. 

For many mothers, being a parent and feeling guilty go hand-in-hand. The NUK conducted a survey on this topic and discovered that of the 2,000 mothers interviewed, 87 per cent have felt guilty at some point, while 21 percent experience these feelings “most” or “all” of the time.

The feeling of mum guilt can start from the birth of your child and last a lifetime. There is no expiration date on mum guilt, although it seems a common pattern that as the child reaches adulthood and is able to make sound decisions, the feeling eases off a little. 

Mum guilt can be triggered by various different events and situations. It’s very subjective and personal to the mother, her beliefs and her expectations. However, common mum guilt triggers appear to be: not being able to successfully breastfeed, your child reaching milestones slower than other children their age, going back to work after maternity leave, working too much, allowing your child screen time, not reading to them enough, or not always being able to offer your child healthy meals. 

Ways to control the feeling of mum guilt 

As stated earlier, mum guilt is an inevitable part of motherhood. It commonly stems from wanting the best for your child and wanting to the best mother, which is fair, understandable and conveys what a wonderful parent you are. It does not however, need to always be present or steal happiness away from situations relating to your child. 

Mum guilt needs to be controlled and you are powerful enough to do so. Below are some methods that can be used to help you:

1. Identify the key areas that trigger your mum guilt 

Identify and acknowledge the situations that make you experience mum guilt and explore them. 

Does your mum guilt stem from your own childhood? Maybe your parents didn’t engage with you enough when you were younger so now you’re trying to rebuild those blocks and compensate with your own child. 

Maybe your guilt is triggered by lack of involvement in activities? Do you feel guilty when other mums talk about the wonderful adventures that they had with their children over the weekend?  

Identifying the trigger is a good way to start controlling your mum guilt as you can begin making simple changes in the right direction instead of overwhelming yourself. Focus your limited energy and time on key areas that you already know will make a difference to your child’s wellbeing and to help control your guilt. For example, if you feel guilty about lack of involvement in activities, you can begin to schedule time in which you’ll participate with your child. 

2. Accept that you’re only human

Mothers are truly special. We’re caring, loving, attentive, strong, fierce and protective. We are also only HUMAN. Remember to not be too hard on yourself. No one is the perfect mother or has the perfect life, in spite of what Instagram makes you believe. 

Experiencing feelings of sadness, anger or wanting to escape are perfectly normal and so is prioritizing matters over your baby. Remind yourself that as well as being a mother, you’re still an individual person with personal needs and matters. It’s ok to prioritize yourself too, it isn’t going to “ruin” your child’s future. Its ok if you need to put cartoons on while you reply to work emails, tidy the house or make a phone call! It’s normal and necessary. 

3. Manage the hard choices in the right way

Ensure that you consider all of the pros and cons to each decision and what is going to be best for your child in the long run.  

Try to make decisions out of sensibility and calmness. Making a decision when you’re thriving with mum guilt isn’t the best time as you’re likely to make the decision based on guilt and fear as opposed to reality and fact. 

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If you are experiencing mum guilt just know that you are not alone! It’s so normal and one of the hardest emotions to control in motherhood (urgh). 

If you are experiencing intense and continuous feelings of guilt to the point that it’s affecting your daily life and relationship with your child, you could consider attending therapy sessions. Therapy is wonderful as it offers you tools to help control your emotions and live a healthier life. 

Here at Calle Pata Salada, we hope you and your family are happy and healthy and we also hope you enjoyed this article! If so, please share and drop us a DM telling us what you liked!