A Note About Grief
Written by Jesse
An inevitable process we all dread. A profound pain we feel will never fade. And the truth is, it never does, it just changes. We learn to live and adapt and grow with the pain. A close friend, Ruslan Gomez, passed away last week. The most terrible shock imaginable, he left this realm, this dimension. Gone way too soon, Rus was one of a kind and one in a ga-zillion. Always a good vibe and always down for everything. The smartest and sweetest kid I’ve ever met, he quickly became one of my favorites here. His loss is a big one, and writing his name followed by the words “passed away” feels more like a terrible nightmare than reality. Rus’ untimely death is truly a tough one to accept. I think most of us expect Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell us we’ve been punked, and out will walk Rus, completely unscathed. But unfortunately this isn’t the case, and we have to get used to the new normal -- our lives without Rus. For those who were close to him, this new normal will be difficult. There is healing to be done.
We’re at a loss of how to deal with it. A lot of us have shared photos, made tributes to him on social media, and hugged and cried with those who were closest to him. As the services come to an end, we are left in the silence with nothing but our memories. And as the shock wears off, the deep pain and profound sadness sets in. How can he be gone? Where did he go? Where is he? I was just with him, how is this possible? Questions begin to infiltrate every crevice of our minds. These questions act as mechanisms to understand what we don’t and can’t understand, death. It is hard for us as humans to accept things we don’t understand. And this makes death and accepting it an impossible task. Though we will never find the answers to the questions we ask, allow yourself to ask them and sit with them.
Rus’ death is one that makes us say “I need to check in on my friends.” But this fades and we go back to our norm. I encourage everyone to not let this thought slip, it’s an important one. A simple “Hi, how are you?” can go a long way, and you never know who needs that type of connection, that simple check-in.
Grief has a way of presenting itself in waves. The first days, the waves are relentless, but as the shock wears off, the intensity lessens. We go from feelings of sadness to anger to guilt back to sadness. Guilt is a hard one. Perhaps we feel as though there was something we could have done. Perhaps if we had just done this, or done that, maybe we could have prevented this death. But the truth is, we couldn’t have. If it wasn’t meant to happen, the universe would not have let it. When that guilt comes and those questions arise, embrace it. Let that feeling sit and be gentle with yourself. But do know that no action could have prevented what was destined to happen.
Just as waves come, they also recede. It is important that when they come, you don’t run from them. You let them wash over you and accept whatever feelings they may bring. When they recede and you find yourself happy and enjoying moments of your life, it’s important not to feel guilty. Healthy distraction is ok, it’s unhealthy distraction and numbing that is best to be avoided.
Death is hard. Not only are we stripped of a loved one, but we are reminded of our own mortality. That we too will pass away, that we too will no longer be here. For me, this is a tough concept to grasp. And what can we do when faced with the concept of death? The loss of a loved one? A death that came so unexpectedly to our young friend? What are some healthy ways to cope?
Numbing, for starters, DOES NOT work. Temporarily, it eases the pain of those intense waves, but in the long run, those very waves will drown you in an unimaginable sorrow. One of the most beneficial things to do in times of grief, is sit with it. Simply sit with it. Feel the sadness. Write about the sadness, your memories of your lost loved one. Hold something that was theirs, look across the room and imagine them there. Put on their favorite song and reminisce about the last time you heard it with them. Drive by their house, take a deep breath and let out a smile or a cry. Turn to friends and family members who have also lost loved ones. Call a support group. And most importantly, remember you are not alone in this grieving process.
For those who knew and loved Ruslan, he is with you. In your thoughts, your hearts, your breath. He is all around you. We have an angel above us. And for those reading who did not know Ruslan, think of any loved ones you have lost along the way. For they too are with you every step of your journey.
Allow yourself to feel the anguish and pain. Don’t dwell in the sadness but do allow yourself to be one with it. Fighting it will only make the grieving process more painful in the long run. By being present with all feelings that grief may bring, you allow for healing of the highest quality.
